Per Volar Sunata
I apologize for not having blogged in a few days; it appears that my laptop has decided to only work when it feels like it. In other words: It’s probably acquired some sort of lethal virus that will destroy its three-and-a-half year old hard drive, which I guess is a pretty lengthy age for a Dell. Secretly, though, I am truly hoping it is dying a painful death because I have had nothing but problems with it since the beginning, but more importantly: I really, really, really want to buy a MacBook Pro. I just hope this flimsy old Dell can make it through until I can afford to replace it.
That said, my blogs will now only come when I have access to my laptop. Despite my continuous Internet access via my parents’ desktop, there’s nothing like blogging from one’s own computer. It makes me feel independent, like I’m writing my own words instead with my own medium instead of the ridiculous notion that my parents might censor my words, even though I know they could care less about why I’m on their computer. So until this Dell finally dies (its cause of death more probably being thrown off a bridge than actually going kaput on me), I’m at a loss.
For some reason or another, too, because of the loss of my own computer, I’ve had a lot less motivation for productivity. Maybe it’s the feeling of sheer and utter loss and hopelessness at the prospect of being without a laptop (Dell or otherwise) for my final semester as an undergrad. I haven’t studied for the GRE in two or three — maybe even four! — days, but I have officially registered for it. (There went $80 spiraling down the toilet for a test that’s only required to be required. Fuck high-stakes, standardized testing. Fuck it in the ass. I apologize for my vulgar digression…) In any case, I’m really hoping that I can get a phenomenal writing sample conjured as well as amazing letters of recommendation, that way when I do horribly on the GRE, which is bound to happen as I’m a terrible test-taker, I’ll still have a chance of getting into the school I want.
I was looking at how quickly the summer has flown by, and how little of it remains, and I came to the disappointing realization that this summer was supposed to be about me making money so I could save up and have a financial cushion going into school. It didn’t happen. I see all the ones, fives, tens, and twenties going into my pocket after work and watch as they disappear into either my gas tank or bank account for my plethora of money-sucking bills. It’s just really disappointing knowing that I can never get ahead. It will happen, though, one day, and I will look back on all the financial hardships of watching my bank account be in the negatives more than the positives and watching every dollar I make go toward some sort of bill, and I’ll be thankful that I had to endure it. I’ll be thankful that I did not have someone to pay for everything. Pain and hardship build character, right? This neverending circle of hardships that I’ve become the locus of will, in the end, show me that I can endure anything, that I was…