Ex Umbra In Solem

Every day brings me twenty-four hours closer to the deadline. It isn’t anything official, just a deadline I set for myself. It’s a financial deadline, a calendar deadline, an academic deadline. Today brought me another twenty-four hours closer to this deadline, but I feel like I’ve been dragged through a full week. Time speeds by me, and as I look toward what’s to come my way financially and academically, I freeze, stricken by a drowning sense of panic and of being overwhelmed.

My last semester at Bowling Green State University approaches, and I not only have a full course-load in store for me, I will also be writing my undergraduate thesis, working part-time to keep up on my bills, and working on applying to graduate schools… that is, as long as my part-time job as a server at a mom-and-pop restaurant keeps me financially afloat. As of right now, it isn’t.

I’m not the type of person to break down, at least not outwardly. You can usually tell when I’ve reached my wit’s end when I completely shut down and become distant, unmotivated, careless, and cold. I have not yet reached that point, but I’m getting close, especially when I crunched numbers to see what I needed to make between now and when classes resume, and between now and my December graduation. The result: An insane and unfathomable amount of money, and it doesn’t help that I’ve been an undergraduate for so long that most, if not all, of my scholarships and government help decided to disappear this semester.

When I was crunching numbers and becoming increasingly more panicked, my phone rang. His voice was exactly what I needed to hear; it always is. He cures the deepest frown and picks me back up. Even if he’s 1,200 miles away right now, he is everything I need.  He reminded me that I will get through this, that the darkness will pass. So, even though today started out with panic, I feel a lot better tonight. And I owe it to him.

Out of the darkness and into the light.

Posted on July 13, 2011, in Ephemeris. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. One thing I know, fabulosity, is that you will make it. I know this for certain. You will come out stronger on the other side and be brilliant. You are resilient and dedicated and that will take you farther than you think.🙂

    Je t’aime.

  2. I’m the kind of person who takes everything on a day-to-day basis, trying not to think too much about something until it is absolutely exigent, but my “roll with the punches” attitude will only get me so far because the financial distress still exists. I hope you’re right, though.

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